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Name: bethany
Birthday: 4/3/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: ::music::head-banging::concerts::summer nights::singing::long talks::pounding the piano::writing poetry::Him::reading::daydreaming::lightening bugs::dusk::frolicking::
Expertise: ::guffawing::sarcasm::screwing up my life::being an emotional basket-case::clumsiness::attack hugs::falling in love with Him::
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  bLuRtHeLiNeS06
Member Since:
3/7/2004
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| i know it's been forever. it's actually been so long that i've considered deleting my account. but i have family on here still, and i like to read what's going on in their lives. besides that, i don't know where i am going to end up in the next year. so i'm thinking that i might want to keep this in case people far away still want to keep up with the mundaneness of my life. :)
i officially have three full days left at asbury. i can't even believe that i am at this point. this semester has gone by so quickly. i honestly feel as if everything has just flown by for me. this all feels rather surreal for me. in a weird way, it has always felt like college is never really going to end. but now it is winding down. and here i am. leaving for my last semester at asbury is turning out to be a bit more difficult than i realized. in many ways, i am very ready to go. i don't think that i could handle another traditional semester of school. the program i am doing for my last semester offers a lot of possibilities and opportunities that, well, i have only dreamt of up to this moment. it's going to be so good for me.
but. well. i've cried almost every day this past week. asbury has become my home. my friends here are like a makeshift family for me. and as i leave, i can't help but feel like i'm losing a part of myself. so much has happened in these past years. i have changed in incredible ways. i'm not who i was when i came to asbury three-and-a-half years ago. i have worked through a lot in these last years, and i know that God has used asbury in my life in a very powerful way. it's been a sanctuary. it's been a home. it's been my life.
and now the time comes to leave. it's scary to go into the unknown. after this moment, nothing will be the same again. it is all going to change drastically. it's like jumping off the edge of a cliff. i know He'll catch me. i'm just not sure where He'll put me. it's exciting. it's wonderful. and it's sad. it's heartbreaking.
i'm thankful for the places that God places you and the people He brings into your life. i am so blessed to have spent time at this school. i have gotten frustrated with it, of course, but all good relationships have problems. overall, these have been some of the best years of my life (at least up until this point). He has done so much in me throughout my time at this school, and i know that He will continue to work no matter where i am.
i'm learning how to say goodbye. i'm learning to be okay with crying as i pack up, crying when i spend time with my friends, crying when i'm on the phone with my mom. i can't expect anything else from my life. and honestly, i have to cry to process.
here's to goodbyes. and changes. to good times. and hard times. here's to 3 1/2 years of my life that i have loved and that i will treasure. here is to people who love me at my worst and who have taught me how infinite His love is. i will never forget this school. the journey has been beautiful. and i'm thankful for it.
thank you asbury. thank you family and friends who support me. thank you Abba.
here's to stepping off a cliff into the unknown..... | | |
| that would be the title of a jon foreman song. i do so love listening to him. he's good writing and thinking music.
i was journalling this morning, and i thought of this song. i had put off journalling again for a few weeks. sure, i'm busy, but what it really comes down to is that i can't face myself. when i write, everything i think comes out of me. and then it's down on a page. right or wrong, pathetic or good, sad or happy--how i feel is recorded. and to be honest, it's hard for me to do that often--unless i'm in a place where i constantly need to process. it can be very draining. that is actually how i always feel after journalling: drained (but in a good way).
i've been told that i'm intense when i write. i attribute this also to what i just said. by nature, i believe i am fairly open and honest person. but when i write, none of the pretenses exist. there are no social customs or polite conversations. there is just me and paper or typing. just me and my thoughts.
one thing i've noticed, though, is that people can't always understand that part of me. it's that way for everyone with some part of their life. people outside can't seem to understand how you deal with things a certain way, think about things, or process things. to them, it would be draining. but to you, it's perfectly normal.
i can't tell you how many times people have called me "intense," "passionate," or "emotional." all of these labels tend to frustrate me--especially the last one. i don't enjoy my personality being reduced to emotions. i fully admit that i feel things very deeply and strongly. but my life is not run by my emotions. yes, i can let them run my life, but i have worked very hard to let God have that place. i don't ignore my feelings. i honestly tell God how i feel. and then i ask Him to help me respond correctly. that doesn't mean it always works, but i try.
to me, there is no other way to exist except through passion, intensity, and emotions. sometimes i come across as someone who sits and thinks all the time. sometimes i come across as feeling too much. but i am neither of those--at least not at the core. i am just a girl whom God has given the strength and weakness of passionate nature.
why do i say all this? maybe i'm just tired of being called emotional. we all have parts of ourselves that aren't understood by others. and this is just one of mine. i think, in general, we just need to stop trying to compartmentalize each other's personalities. because i know God made me this way. and He made you that way. He did both for a reason. He wanted variety. and in the end, i think our differences are a gift--not an annoyance that needs to be corralled.
so revel in your differences from others. i know He does. otherwise, why would He have bothered with variety? | | |
| so here i am back from el salvador and heading out to asbury early tomorrow morning. i have had three very quick days at home. my emotions are kind of everywhere right now for many reasons: i haven't had a lot of time to process the trip, i'm going into my senior year of college, and also i am going into my last actual semester at asbury. i can't believe all of this has happened and is happening. and i can't believe i have had this blog for just about six and a half years.
i still like to write in here. i'm not sure why, but i do. and i just wanted to share something that i've been thinking about recently.
i am a single, 22-year-old girl who attends a christian college. many, many, many people from asbury are dating and getting married. in fact, many people in general that i know are getting engaged, married, or at least seriously dating.
and then there's me. sometimes i don't know quite what to think of all of this. i know that, in many ways, i don't feel ready for any of that stuff. i am so young! sometimes i feel like everyone around me is crazy for getting married so quickly. and sometimes i wonder if i'm the weird one. i think the truth is that we are all in different places. some people are just ready to get married at my age. but i am so thankful that God hasn't brought anyone into my life at this moment. i'm telling the truth! it isn't that i don't want to meet someone. it's just that i like dreaming my own dreams and creating my own life. if i was dating someone, or if i had dated someone earlier in my life, i know that i never would have gotten to this point. i never would have figured out who i was or what i wanted. i would have gotten lost in the relationship. God knew that all along. i also believe that God knew that i needed to learn how to depend completely on Him. friends and family are truly a blessing from God. but i want to always turn to Him first. He is my God in this life. and my life belongs to no one else.
all this to say...i'm happy being single! like every girl, i do desire a relationship from time to time. but i'm not sitting around pining for a guy. my life is not being put on hold. i have plans and dreams and ambitions all on my own. and i know that i will be perfectly satisfied even if God never brings someone into my life.
so why do i share this? well, i've started to get to a point in my life where everyone is asking if i've met anyone. i know they mean well. i know they just care about me. but it gets tiring after a while. there is so much more to my life than that. and i am satisfied living where He has put me--as a single person. it isn't a sacrifice. it's the life He has given me, and i am more than willing to live where He puts me. i'm not waiting around for anyone to come so that i can start my life. i already have a life--a very full and blessed life--and i am a whole person on my own.
and something else i realized in el salvador....i am a very unusual case. i have never dated anyone or even kissed anyone! maybe i should feel embarrassed about that, but i don't. because ever since i got to the age that i could start dating guys, i prayed that they wouldn't pursue me unless they were the right guy for me. maybe that's an extreme prayer. but i just never had a desire to date someone that wouldn't end up being with me. why would i want to invest in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere? i know i may seem ridiculously idealistic or seem like i have too high of standards, but i honestly believe that God will tell me when He wants me to start dating someone. He has told me "no" so many times, that i think i will recognize if He ever tells me "yes." i am glad that i have prayed that prayer. and i am glad that i am where i am as a single woman.
i think i'm just tired of feeling like people expect me to get married or that they are waiting for me to meet someone. because i'm not doing either, and i don't want anybody else to be. i trust that He will bring someone into my life if He wants to do so. and i trust that if He does not, i will still have a beautiful life. i'm not worried about being alone in this life. because no matter what happens, i know He will always be with me.
i'm a single woman. i'm proud of it. and i am content.
and that's what i decided. | | |
| just wanted to put in a little blog entry saying that i am safe and sound here in jucuapa, el salvador. i've been doing all kinds of different stuff--from teaching english to little kids to doing graphic design stuff and spending time at the church. which i need to go to soon. if you want more information, check out my blog: bwelsalvador.blogspot.com. i've been here officially for two weeks, and i'm looking forward to the next four here. love to all who read this! | | |
| i'll be leaving for el salvador next week. and i simply cannot believe that this is happening.
i was scared for so many years of my life, and i finally believe that i am learning to not let my life be dictated by my fears. by nature i am a comfort-zone oriented person. most people are that way, but i tend to be so to the extreme. new situations often make me nauseous. i shy away from them because i am scared and insecure. i stick to what i know.
funny thing is that God is not okay with that. with every year, i end up doing new things and thinking, "i never thought i could do this," or "i would never have imagined this as possible." but here i am. and i'm living life the way i have always wanted to live it.
it's not just that i'm going to el salvador for six (yes, six) weeks. it's that i'm planning what after college will look like. it's that i'm pursuing my dreams in a way i never thought possible. it's that i'm learning to make Him my confidence, step out, and do crazy things. the more i step out, the more willing i am to step out again. it's that my life is completely different than i ever expected, but that it is different in a completely beautiful way.
so for the first time, as i prepare for this new situation, i'm not terribly nervous or scared. i know i will be okay. i am certain there will be hardships and some fear. but i am also certain that this will be alright. everything will be as it should be. after all, hasn't everything else become what it was supposed to be?
check out my blog while i am there. yes, i'll be keeping a separate one: bwelsalvador.blogspot.com.
thank God that nothing turns out the way i plan.
.amen. | | |
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